I am that jealous author

AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT

It didn’t take much.

The first time I watched the Giller Prize was in 2006. The Giller is Canada’s top literary award, and as I saw Vincent Lam step to the stage and accept his prize, my first thought was “that should be me.”

Never mind that I hadn’t even started writing my first book yet. It didn’t matter that I didn’t even know who Vincent Lam was. All that mattered was that he won. He won so that must mean he’s successful. He’s a successful author, I’m not.

That’s how my mind worked.

Years later, I found myself obsessing over who got book deals. Every week, I’d open up Publisher’s Weekly and read:

“In a two book, seven figure deal, [insert editor and publisher here] acquires world rights to first time author [insert name here] stunning trilogy about a [one liner about book]. Author is represented by [insert agent’s name here].

Sometimes it would say six figures. Sometimes it wouldn’t say the number at all. Either way, reading a variation of those words made me so jealous, my eyes welled up and my heart pounded and I’d get so worked up that I slammed my computer screen closed and let out a controlled scream.

My most recent self-inflicted torment is studying bestseller lists, category by category:

Hardcover Frontlist Fiction, Hardcover Frontlist Non-Fiction, Trade Paper Frontlist, Top 10 Overall.

Most weeks, selling 50,000 books is enough to lift you to the top. Then a monster title comes along and does hundreds of thousands in a week, maybe millions.

My first thought is, “That should be me.”

My next thought is “Why isn’t that me?”

The latter is where I stay. It’s where I get inspired. It’s the reason I wake up and write every morning, the reason I enroll in writing courses throughout the year. It’s what pushes me to study the industry, to build community, to write this newsletter every week.

The jealousy scares me into preparation. It tells me that I need to be better. More than anything, my jealousy tells me that it’s possible. That’s all I need to keep going.

I know many of us feel this way. As writers, it’s so hard not to compare. But instead of letting those feelings of envy weigh you down, why not let it motivate you to be better?

I admit it. I am that jealous writer. But my jealousy has pushed me to where I am today. How is it impacting you?