Some days, the sun hides before I lift my head from my laptop.
These days, every blink carries deep thought. I catch myself staring out of my balcony window so long I forget what I’m writing.
Or where I’m going. Or why the thing that’s on my mind is so important.
Because that thing on my mind is the only thing. That thing on my mind has taken over.
I have these days from time to time.
Nothing seems possible on these days. Everything feels pointless. Ambition has gone somewhere and is reaching back for hope.
Usually I’m a rock.
How do I protect my peace? How do I keep my mind focused on my goals, my daughter, my family?
Scrolling feels too loud. Stopping even louder. I write with purpose, but that purpose is mixed with all of your peering eyes. Where does fulfillment begin and validation end?
Usually I’m a rock.
The only way to protect my peace is to deal with the chaos. I heard someone say that if you never look the devil in the face, you’re walking in the same direction.
Which way am I walking now?
I sat for a while watching my cursor blink in front of the words "Write a comment... " not sure what I wanted to say. Then I remembered something a German woman told my husband many years ago, as I stood nearby trying to manage our three young children. "Phyllis is a rock," she said. "You and I, Eugen, we are not made of the same stuff." I remember thinking - I'm a rock because why? Because I keep taking care of the children? And cooking the meals and managing the household? Is that what makes me a rock? My husband was insulted because he wanted to be the rock and he didn't like some old woman implying he was soft. I think he's still irritated when he remembers it.
I don't know much about you Kern, but I have witnessed your authenticity, your honesty and vulnerability and commitment to growth. These are qualities I admire in human beings, whether they are rock-like at the moment or soft and pliable. I'm glad to know you.