I am not your favourite writer

ON INSECURITY AND IMPOSTER SYNDROM

“You’re my favourite writer, Kern.”

I want to shut my screen and hide behind my couch.

Me? Your favourite writer?

Why are you saying that? Did you lose a bet? Are your friends behind you egging you on for a good laugh?

“I admire your writing so much.”

Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it.

You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You probably don’t even read that much. You probably skim through pieces and got caught by one of my titles and now you’re making things up to be nice.

If my dark brown face could turn red, I’d be rose right now. When I started writing my first book, I would lie on my bed and daydream about people saying those words. I’d imagine myself in a coffee shop or restaurant and a reader walking up to me.

“You’re Kern Carter, right? I’ve read all your books. You’re my favourite author.”

I’d picture myself reacting, telling them thank you, smiling uncomfortably as my date sat on the other side of the table impressed. It was all so ridiculous but it’s true. These were my daydreams.

So when people express their affection for one of my pieces, when they tell me how much my words have inspired them, the little boy in me can’t help but feel like I’m in a dream, my dream, a dream I dreamt so long ago.

It doesn’t even make sense. I know I talk a lot about wanting to feel fulfilled; To be a full-time novelist selling enough books to not do anything else except write. But there are moments on the way to that journey that feels monumental.

The first time I remember feeling special was when one of my university friends said their mom purchased my book. She said they sat down for dinner one evening and spoke for hours about the story. That was 10 years ago and I still get shivers thinking about it.

And that’s a good thing. As writers, we put so much of ourselves into our work, and we put it out to the public hoping to incite some kind of reaction. So when the public reacts, we should celebrate that. At least I do.

It’s not easy to create something that people appreciate. When you blog and write as frequently as many of us do, it’s easy for likes and comments to start feeling routine. Like you didn’t just create something that didn’t exist before and got one person or a hundred people to say, “hey, that was pretty damn good.”

I don’t ever want to feel numb to that. Ever. I want to soak up every positive comment, every private note of appreciation, every word of admiration because it’s beautiful. It’s like being part of a community where we lift each other up in different ways. Where our contributions are meaningful and gratitude flows like words on this page.

Maybe I’m not your favourite writer. I don’t need to be. But if you're reading this, know that you’ve touched the soul of a little boy who dared to dream a dream that has come true.